Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize