If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize