I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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