awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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