I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
