Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
