He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
why is half of my head shaved?
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