MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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