now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
