would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
