I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
