could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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