Do you still have your period?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
