when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
