dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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