At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
