No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
