I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
