you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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