I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
