i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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