Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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