i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
