Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize