note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Im part way to drunk.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
