My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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