I accidentally had phone sex last night
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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