you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
