Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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