how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
and she was petting her beer can
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
