remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
