I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
