Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
