This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
