He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
