I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
