paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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