Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
