i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
