Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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