Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
