Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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