This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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