no, he came in my armpit
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
