hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Drunk is not a location!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize