hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
