I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
