I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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