You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
