Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
