You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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