I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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