Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
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