We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
