Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
