cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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