I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
