pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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