i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
