I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
