If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I am naked and annoyed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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