just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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