Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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