Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
